Posted on: July 27th, 2016
Yesterday morning I woke up to continue my normal routine. Spin class. Except, this particular morning I was not at all motivated. For the past few days, I have been overwhelmed by discouragement, with an overarching sense of inadequacy and a side helping of despair. I felt like an utter failure. Lest you think this was caused by one colossal disaster, it was not. It was a series of little events where I felt I was missing the mark. Things like: "I didn't get my task list done", "I forgot to call this person, again", "I was 5 minutes late for this meeting", "I didn't handle that conversation well". On and on the list goes until I woke up yesterday to find that I felt utterly defeated. I suppose I could add to the list that my intentions are to blog every week only to find myself lacking inspiration and motivation, a deadly combination leaving me blog-less for 2 months.
If you are like me you find that crossing everything off your "to-do" list is an utter pleasure. While others experience euphoria from making a successful merger, winning a race or getting that hard-earned bonus. I find that when I accomplish small tasks in quick succession in a given day, it, to me, is a triumph above all the others. When my heart is connected to my task, I find that there is sheer joy in completing it. I suppose that I feel most useful when I am productive no matter how trivial the task. Failure to complete goals I set out to accomplish, followed by discouragement sapped me of any joy I thought I had left. I have not yet learned the gift that failure can be. I am discovering this with "painful steps and slow". Ok, back to spin class...
I finally got out of bed, 1) because my son was awake and there is no going back to bed and 2) if I didn't I would cry myself through the whole day. So, I got up. I suppose this in itself is a triumph and helped to set the tone for the remainder of the day. I actually got to the gym early with baby in tow in time for spin class. As I did my pre-workout stretch and settled in on the bike. I committed my emotions to God and my body to the bike. Both actions were necessary. About halfway through the ride, I started to feel that overwhelming sense of failure with phrases ringing in my head like: "You're never going to be good enough", "who wants to hear your music?", "you're going to give out on this hill, you're not going to make it". All of a sudden tears began to well up inside my heart and amidst the flood of emotions one striking and powerful thought "You still have a choice". In that moment, God reminded me of something I too often forget. I had a choice. I had a choice about how I was going to feel. I had a choice about giving up and telling myself I couldn't do this. While pushing up an incline at 100 RPM, I heard my instructor say to the class, "there are a lot of empty bikes this morning, but you are here. Get what you came for". Even as I write this, I can't help but feel the emotion again I had on the bike. Not only did I stay on the incline for duration of the ride but I hit a personal best! Yes, a personal best! At precisely the moment I wanted to give up, on the other side waiting for me was a victory.
So, no. I don't reach my goals every day. Most days I feel like I am floundering but in every moment you have a choice. Yes. Feel the emotion. Feel the sadness. Be present to your emotions. But choose to make every moment like riding a bike. You get on, you pedal, press through those hills. Sometimes we fall off and get sidelined while others ride off into victory but we get back on and we ride. Because at precisely the moment you want to give up, on the other side of the hill is victory.
© 2018 Anakai Ney - Singer Songwriter.